A washing up story

A deep thought flashed through my head recently (yes, it does happen sometimes).  I was engaged in the thrilling activity of dishwashing and suddenly remembered all those TV ads, where thick layers of burnt grease dissolved instantaneously under a single drop of the washing-up liquid advertised.  'A lovely vision' I thought, ceasing scrubbing a pan to wipe the sweat from my brow.  One little problem.  I've washed a few pans in my life, not even mentioning baking trays, roasting dishes and innumerable armies of other assorted crockery, I've even used various washing-up liquids (some of them even known from tv ads) and never, NEVER have I seen such a magical scene unfolding.  No grease of mine has ever been scared by a detergent, no matter how famous or well branded.  Somehow, it always ended up with scrubbing.  Is it me, I wonder?  Is my world somehow flawed?  Am I the only house-keeping woman in the world whose dishes stubbornly refuse to get cleaned by themselves?  Is it a curse?  An evil godmother's gift?  'No dishwashing miracles for you, my child' whispered slyly at my birth? 

Funny thing - I don't think so.  I find it far, far more likely that the advertisers simply try to stuff us full of bullshit.  No dishes clean themselves, no matter what you pour on them, full stop.  But if a poor, tired housewife believed they could, that the solution to greasy problems is only those few dollars (euros/pounds/enter your currency here) away, wouldn't she buy?  Wouldn't she?

Another funny thing, I've never actually met any dish-washing person (whatever the sex or occupation) who believed this crap.  I'm not a particularly sociable person, but of all the people I've ever met, not a single one declared belief in self-cleaning kitchen appliances.  It is of course possible that so far I have been lucky enough to meet only highly intelligent people and didn't realise it but...  Well, let's call it a statistical improbability, ok?  I meet various people, most of them - average.   Yet they still don't believe in the magic of washing-up liquid. 

I would even hazard a guess that no one believes it.  Or - as with Yeti or Bigfoot - there are individuals who believe in their existence, but the majority calls it a bluff for lack of evidence.  No confirmed sightings, ladies and gentleman. 

Yet the advertisers keep on insisting that their (and only their, mind you) particular brand will make the grease go away.  No effort, no scrubbing, splash a drop and see how all the dirt goes away. 

They keep on lying.  We keep on knowing that they are lying.  We keep on not believing them, more than that, we keep on NOT EXPECTING THEM TO BE TRUE ANYMORE.  Everyone knows that you cannot trust advertisement so no one does.  Yet it is still being manufactured by the tonne (eee...  mega-tv-hour?  giga-newspaper-column?), it is bought, sold, force-fed to unwilling recipients:  tv viewers, magazine readers, Web-users, even innocent pedestrians or drivers, FFS! 

Guess what, if I feel like fairy tales, I read brothers Grimm.  At least they don't ask me to buy a fairy afterwards. 

No bullshit marketing

I've been working on concept of 'no bullshit marketing' for quite a while now. 

The whole idea was born from the fact that I'm literally sick because of the amount of crap advertising all around.  The very word SALE gives me nausea, as it is slowly becoming the case with words like 'unique', 'hot', 'bargain' and the likes.  The smell of bullshit surrounding them lingers stubbornly and can fuel my anger for hours at a time. 

Ok, fine, but it's damn easy to say something is crappy and do nothing about it and I'm being a bit more ambitious here - I feel a need to suggest something INSTEAD of bullshit marketing.  After all I also have a product to 'sell' - I'm a content writer and my very existence depends on my content finding a reader.  If I don't talk about it, I am extremely unlikely to be found and there is not much I can do or say to make it less true (a friend of mine keeps suggesting that I show my tits off online - what a shame this is not my style, as it would probably work). 

Here comes a difficult question:  how to promote my own work knowing how much I hate people promoting their stuff?  It looks impossible from the black/white perspective, at first sight the choice is between forgetting conscience and joining the worldwide crap production or quitting self-employment altogether and becoming a cog in someone else's machine (which would probably still equal producing crap, but I would at least have an excuse - someone made me do it!).  Neither option looked even remotely interesting, but instead of giving up, I decided to dig deeper. 

What if the way a product/service is promoted mattered?  I looked closely at other people's marketing strategies and tried to determine some factors that drive me up the wall and guess what I've found - it's definitely not the fact that they do advertise and expect to be paid.  Gosh, I don't have a slightest problem with that, just the opposite!  So where was the culprit? 

Right there, in most promoting materials available, and his name was BULLSHIT. 

I hate being lied to.  I hate when someone tries to bullshit me for any reason.  I refuse to have anything to do with a person or a company who tries to manipulate me and deceive me from the moment we meet.  I bet I'm not the only one - possibly I'm slightly more aware of this manipulation, but I'm sure most people would be just as angry as I if they only bothered to notice what's happening around them.

I have already written an article on how to translate bullshit advertising and what do the sellers REALLY tell their customers.  You can find it here if you wish - I am quite happy with the way it turned out and I can promise you a laugh or two - so I'm not going to repeat myself in too many words.  The biggest, most basic and most hurtful bullshit present in almost all existing advertising is this:  we are here for you. 

Oh?  Are you?  So if you win the lottery tomorrow, you will not leave your selling work immediately but continue writing marketing material FOR THE FUN OF IT?  Rubbish. 

I will believe no seller in the whole wide world who tries to feed me with lines like 'chosen for your satisfaction' and 'our aim is to serve'.  What is wrong with saying:  I am in this job to earn cash to survive?  It is not something shameful, FFS!  It's a fact of life - we need money to survive, earn or starve.  If a seller believes in providing only high quality service to actually deserve the pay - fantastic.  Talk about it!  Say it loud and proud, it's a noble aim.  But 'we are here to make you happy'?  No, thank you, I'm not buying. 

I still have a lot to think through before my idea is present in some shape, but I already know one basic, important rule that will be incorporated somewhere in the system:  NEVER LIE.  Never.  Ever.  Don't manipulate, don't 'forget' about facts, don't keep the ugly details secret.  Transform them, so that you wouldn't have to feel ashamed talking about them.  Then talk, with pride. 

What do you think?  Would you like to live in a world where you could actually believe advertisers instead of being perpetually on the lookout for the small print?

I know I would.  And because I vividly remember Gandhi's words 'Be the change you want to see in the world', I'm commiting myself to create a no bullshit marketing strategy. 

Wish me luck and hop on if it's your type of a ride.

Inspiration through anger

I find anger inspiring.  Am I strange?

No, seriously.  Recently I have discovered that disagreement boosts my creativity sky high.  I actually noticed it when visiting certain forum - I realised that I find posts I generally agree with extremely boring, but statements I want to argue with make me think like crazy. 

A useful piece of self-awareness, if I've ever seen one.  At least I can be grateful for all the shouting matches I've been through. 

I also enjoy writing angry-ish articles (as you've probably noticed if you've read more of this blog).  An obvious consequence of boosted creativity, I suppose. 

Just to make it clear - angry doesn't necessarily mean rude (I have another outlet for that).  I can even get away with G rating most of the time :). 

It's impossible to look around and NOT TO get angry, I'm afraid.  I think it's ok - if you channel your anger, it helps you change things. 

My recent favourite anger source is unethical advertising.  I'm right after publishing a full-fledged article titled 'How not to fall for bullshit advertising' (bullshit spelled BS for censorship reasons) and I'm actually quite proud of it.  I think I will work some more on the subject.  While ranting is extremely pleasant, I also have some solutions in mind - I'm researching the subject of ethical, decent advertising.  We'll see where it gets me. 

A note to you, dear reader - when I'm angry, I tend to be funny, so if you feel like being entertained, do check one of my Squidoo rants.  So far I have been publicly spewing venom at the Internet, job interviews, apocalypse scares, halloween and Internet users' inability to criticise. 

I also write 'nice' articles', but rants are so much more interesting!